I simply stare whenever somebody says, “If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing.” Not me. I would change everything I possibly could. Not that I haven’t been having a wonderful life. It’s just that it wasn’t what I’d hoped for or planned.
I have spent the past 30 years circumventing my life, avoiding risk and making counterproductive choices that were more apt to shrink my horizons than widen them. I have been dreaming large within the straits of a small, safe world, all the while succumbing to low-grade depression and self-abuse because I felt deprived of my due, cheated of what I had expected or felt I deserved.
Writing is making sense of life. ~ Nadine Gordimer
Years ago, I remember my older brother telling me that whoever and whatever you are by the time you’re 40, that is who and what you are. “You’re pretty much set in stone,” he said. I have no idea if he still believes this. I hope not because at the time I found the idea appalling. I still do.
At the moment, at 60-something, I am all about changing the course and content of my life.
Born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania and raised in the greater New York area, I am now settled in southern Vermont. When younger, I worked in restaurants, mostly as a cook, and when older, I performed administrative duties in academic and nonprofit settings. I studied theatre in college and interrupted my education to write the book and lyrics for five original, full-length musicals, all of which were produced in Vermont and Boston. I trained extensively in the martial arts. I completed my bachelor’s degree magnum cum laude at Smith College as a nontraditional age student.
I like to read. It is important for me to be learning all the time. My interests include U.S. and ancient history, classical music, tennis, tai chi, swimming, cooking, wellness and nutrition, detective fiction and old movies, especially the ones I’ve seen 30 times because they remain consistent and never disappoint.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anais Nin
I never dwelt upon what I would have done differently and I won’t start now. At the moment I am pursuing the transformative ways and means cited on this blog: stress management with a focus on containing my panic disorder and specific phobias; recovery from food addiction with an emphasis on framing a balanced and healthy lifestyle; the attainment of emotional wellness and wholeness, which means not only confronting one’s own demons and ghosts but also experiencing spiritual connections and meaning; and developing the resilience and peace of mind to grow old with grace.
I am a writer. I want to be a good writer. I want to be a published writer. I want to travel, make friends eveywhere, write meaningfully and well and sustain my sense of joy and wonder while making sense of life.
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